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"WE HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE SOMEONE'S BEEN ABSUING A COCKATOO...ONE MORE WORD AND YOU'LL BE BEFORE THE BEAK"
BY MARK STEYN (From Weekend Telegraph 2/9/01)
To be honest I was quite surprised at how quickly the police responded. I'd only just called 999 and I was still listening to the menu options and how I should press button 4 for Gay, Lesbian and Transgendered Community Outreach, when I heard the wail of sirens, followed by a few second later by the splintering of my front door.
"Puhduhthathrunawupuh" said the first officer
"You'll have to take off that riot helmet" I replied "I can't hear a word you're saying".
He did so, and I recognized the familiar face of Sgt Cherry, East Mercia's Constabulary' Heterosexual Community Officer.
"Put down that threatening weapon sir" he repeated.
"You mean the phone?" I said
"But that's amazing. I've only just called. Darren from down the street is breaking into Mrs Scroggins again"
"That's as may be sir" he said coolly "If you visit our website, you can access fully downloadable crime-in-progress notification report. But that's not why we're here. Cuff 'im lads."
"But what's going on?" I protested What have I done?"
"We've received a report" he said "that you're having sex with the Hamiltons."
"I beg your pardon" I said indignantly."That's absolutely impossible. Look they're on television right now!"And there indeed were Neil and Christine Hamilton talking of their latest ordeal (at time of going to press) to Sir David Frost.
"That proves nothing" scoffed Sgt Cherry "They could have taped it last week and be hiding in your wardrobe right now"
"Rubbish!" I said "It says BBC1 LIVE 8.22 in the corner of the screen.2
"Easiest thing in the world to fake" said Sgt Cherry, unimpressed."And if it is a fake it means his kinky sex ring is wider than we thought. get a squad round to Frosie and senior BBC management." He barked to a colleague. "But be discreet, Just a couple of choppers and a few sniffer dogs. We don't want a media circus. "By the way" he said turning to me "You got a license for that telly?"
I rummaged through the drawer which wasn't easy with the handcuffs and managed to find it. He examined it closely "Could be a very sophisticated forgery."
"This is ridiculous" I snorted "My television's legal and I've never met the Hamiltons. What a complete waste of time!"
Suddenly Sgt Cherry fell to his knees and began sobbing uncontrollably."Oh my God" he cried the accused is yelling at me I'm traumatised! Get me counselling!".
Seconds later, I heard the whirr of helicopters overhead, and the East Mercia Constabulary Counselling Unit descended to help Sgt Cherry away.
I spent three nights in custody while they tried to find a relief office to arrest me, and after having been released on bail, finally I got home on Thursday morning. I opened the front door to be greeted warmly by my cockatoo. Big Brenda, but before I could respond a thousand shards of glass flew across the room as the patio windows shattered and a crack team of operatives swung in with ghetto blasters playing the theme from"Hawaii five-O" .
"Put down that Cockatoo" said the balaclava and picking up his megaphone "This is the East Mercia Constabulary's Animal Welfare Officer on special assignment with the RSPB"
"RSPB Blue" a birdman corrected him
"Sorry RSPB Blue" said Sgt Cherry "We're here because we have reason to believe someone's been abusing a cockatoo, and also a a film segment of Birdwatch UK your nightly update from the police force that always gets its bird. Our undercover agents have reported that this cockatoo has not been fed for three days"
"But that's because you threw me into jail" I pointed out mildly.
"One more word out of you, laddie" said Sgt Cherry, "and you'll be up before the beak. Now get out of the way so the camerman can get a good shot of me looking concerned about how undernourished the bird id." The sound man swung his boom around and knocked Big Brenda off her perch
"We got there just in time" said Sgt Cherry "This bird is already unconcious
"That's because of you " I cried "You've crippled my cockatoo."
He dropped to the ground weeping. "He's shouting at me again!" he whimpered "Counselling Unit!".
My solicitor got me out of the holding cell the following morning.
"Bad news" he said "Big Brenda didn't make it. The RSPB bloke set her down on your drive while he did a quickie interview for East Midlands tonight about what an evil monster you were and the CCTV installation installation van reversed over Brenda."
"CCTV?"
"Yeah, they were installing one to your lampost. It's a pilot scheme to make it easier to verify peoples' alibis."
"All I want" I sighed is a quiet life. What do you have to do to get left alone by the police et al?"
"I dunno," said my solicitor "Join Sein Fein?/cutting ends
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Isn't it nice to know that everyone isn't duped!!!!!! Thanks for the great laugh Mark Steyn